But it made me think, why do I cry so easily at some things and other times I'm the epitome of composure? It made me think about all the times I have swallowed back my tears because I don't want my son to see how sad and hurt and scared I am and so I pretend that everything is just fine and we are going to plow right through this situation. I remember when we moved from St. Louis to Florida and as we pulled away from the house with all of our belongings in the truck I wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry and cry and cry. I wanted to cry for all the friends I had made and would surely miss. I wanted to cry for the fifth grade camp my son was never going to experience and I wanted to cry for all of the future memories we would surely make. I remember leaving the house in Sioux Falls where we spent six long years in a cozy neighborhood with great friends. We pulled away from the house on a snowy grey Monday afternoon and I wanted to cry and cry again, but I had to pull myself together because it was just me and TJ and he was doing enough crying for the both of us.
I think it's kind of sad that I have to weigh when the appropriate time to cry is. I want to protect my family during those hard times where I just want to throw my hands in the air and say "enough!" So I guess I let all my hurt out in those innocuous moments where it's "safe" to let it all out. In this way I am not letting anyone down and I don't appear weak. Some days I really do have my shit together and then other days I just can't possibly keep those emotions in and they come pouring out like someone turned on the faucet. I know my husband must look at me like, "Oh what fresh hell is this" and if he only knew.
I think my tears may be misplaced, but they serve me well in times when I just need to release the emotions I have pent up inside me. Sometimes witnessing acts of kindness can reduce me to tears in the simplest most beautiful way. So I'm ok with being a crybaby. Now I just have to deal with the honesty of my tears.
(This is dedicated to my Aunt Grace and Grandma B...two amazing beautiful women who were ok with me crying and loved me anyway!)
