Crying When You Are Happy Whine

Why do women cry when they are happy? What is it in our DNA that
allows for such a spectacle of emotion when we should be laughing
until our sides split with happiness one moment and the next moment
we are wringing out the hanky with our tears?

I do this all the time...in fact I am writing to you in a haze of tears
because my mom has given me some fantastic news and this will allow
me to see her in a few months and I am so completely overjoyed at
the prospect of being able to hug her, but at the same time I am searching
for the tissues because I can't stop crying!

I do this during long distance phone commercials, the Notebook and
anything to do with children and I should be able to accept this part
of myself, yet I can't. I live in a household that has more y chromosomes so
I find myself kind of hiding my emotions and skirting the issues of my
tears. This really can't be a good thing if I am trying to raise a strong,
sensitive boy who can help bring out the best in his chosen friends. I know
he is 10 right now and finds the fact that body odor is a funny topic so we
have a ways to go in the sensitivity issue, but I am planting the seeds.

I am crying and laughing at the same time and I am not going to make
any apologies for it. This is who I am, this is how I filter the world and if
it takes an extra glass of house white than so be it. I'd rather cry when I
am happy and not quite understand than be stoic and unmoving because
that is what is expected of me as a role model.

Another round for my friends sil vous plait!

Child of Mine...

Child of mine, you will never know how much I love you. So while you are
sitting in your room sulking and pouting, let me share a few things with you.
Maybe one day when you are old enough you will understand.

While you are thinking about how much you hate me because I was evil enough
to set boundaries, I am quietly counting to 10 and remembering all those times
I couldn't wait for you to talk. I couldn't wait to have these conversations with you
and watch you form your own opinions, hear you work out a problem on your
own and to finally hear you say you love me.

While you are yelling out "It's not fair" I am remembering when you used to hold
my hand because I was the best thing since sliced bread. You reached for me
unabashadly with the biggest most trusting smile on your face and I remember
thinking, "Dear God, please don't let me disappoint this child."  But here's the
thing. Disappointment is inevitable, but the love you have for your child endures
EVERYTHING.

From making your favorite breakfast to making your stuffed animals look like
they are sleeping in your bed, I am on a constant vigil to make sure that you
are safe and that you will thrive in this world. Even when I really just want to
walk away from another power struggle my heart has a magnetic pull towards
you that will never go away. 

So go ahead and think that you have the worst life "like ever." It's going to
get worse before it gets better. And I will be here, every step of the way.

Crying in my Wine Whine...

I think I was born with extra tear ducts. Seriously, I cry at the drop of a
hat. I cry when I'm happy, sad, perplexed, joyful, worried and content.
Local news stories can make me sob at the breakfast table and I think
at this stage in the game my husband has learned to just pass the tissues
and not even question my latest waterworks.

I once had to do a "personality" quiz through work and most of the people
around me were scoring in the 90th percentile for "Leadership" or "Decisiveness"
or even "Communication." I scored in the 95th percentile for "Empathy."
What can I say, I was born this way.

I don't really recall when my call to the world of tears first became apparent.
My inner circle will know the extenuating circumstances that would certainly
support my hyper-sensitivity, but crying  because of a story I read or heard
seems a bit of a stretch. I'm not a pretty crier either. It's all red nose and snot
and wet sloppy tears.  Ah, to know me is to love me.

So if you ever need to just sit and have a good cry with someone, I'm your
girl. I'm a good listener and my vault of "secrets" is massive.

Somebody bring the tissues...and a good bottle of wine.

The 5 Stages of Grief Whine...

I have come to realize that I am going through my own stages of grief over moving
here. Don't get me wrong, the majority of my feedback support group thinks this
was a good  move, but the doubting section hasn't quite joined the bandwagon.

First there was Anger - "I can't believe we are &^%#@! moving again!"

Then there was Denial - "I am not selling anymore furniture, clothing or other such
belongings.I will never have another yardsale in my entire life. Bubblewrap is my
nemesis. There was partial acceptance along the way because we were moving
closer to our family and the thought that I would never have to shovel snow again....
then it hit me... I will never shovel snow again. I like snow.

I missed the Bargaining stage altogether while sipping/gulping my chardonney. My
arbitration skills are lacking any kind of depth of conviction and so I packed on.

The Depression Stage hit me about a week ago when I realized that I was not going
to be witnessing any type of season change through the beautiful and colorful
display of leaves just doing their fall thing in October. Sunshine became annoying
and I was really looking forward to a cold afternoon with a cup of hotchocolate.
Not going to happen. I won't have snow on Christmas morning and I won't get
to see TJ all red-faced from the cold after having a snowball fight with his friends.

I'm limping towards Acceptance...slowly. The one thing that trumps all of these

negative feelings is that we have FAMILY here and that my friends is priceless.

I will never take for granted the fact that if I need help, I can ask for it and I will

get it. No questions asked. I like the fact that I can help in return in an effortless

exchange of just being there for each other. After a particularly long day last week

I walked the one house over to my mother-in-law's with a glass of wine for

both of us and her smile and acceptance of me was the tonic I needed. When she

said, "You read my mind" I knew I had come home.

Getting My Own Way Whine

Some people just know instinctively how to play the right cards to
get their own way.  Me, I don't even know if I am playing with the
same deck as everyone else.

Do you whine, sob, demand, make ultimatums or do you become
so eerily quiet that even the birds avoid your house??  I'm not sure
how I play this, but I do know that when it counts I don't really get
my way as often as I would like.

Perhaps I need some training on this.  Let's all pause for a glass of
wine.  Ok, better.  I think being persuasive takes a lot of planning
and smarts and I thought I was in possession of both. I think I might
back down too easily.  I have often found myself in situations where
the bubble over my head is screaming "WHAT THE HELL WERE
YOU THINKING?" And then my inner conscience hides in the
corner until all the voices go away.  My alter ego always has an answer
for everything, but she goes on vacation a lot and she's really hard to
reach.

I think I will resolve to be more direct and forthright. And maybe a
few tears, yeah, I think tears might help.  Is there a self-help group out
there that I am not aware of? We can make it a pot-luck gathering....
I will bring the wine.

Dieting Whine.....

Dieting sucks. There's just no two ways about it. I used to be able to exercise
my way out of a bad eating day/night/week, but no more. Now I actually have
to watch what I eat (or more importantly watch what I don't get to eat!)

*Sigh* I look at pictures of myself from two years ago and I see the pile of
clothes in my closet that I can only wish I could fit into. The sad thing is that
I know better.  I know what I'm supposed to do to lose the weight and call
it laziness, lack of motivation or an act of surrender, but I just can't get
myself back into this groove.  I remember what I did to make it work the first
time and I'd like to forget what I did to gain it all back, but it haunts me in the
mirror every day.

I need a fresh outlook. I thought that moving to FL would make me want to
work out more because we can be outside all the time, yadda, yadda, yadda.
It's hotter than Hades on most days, I look gross in a bathing suit so I don't
even want to approach the water and become a five course meal for Jaws.

.....So I procrastinate. I have procrastinated for 8 months now. I have to
just jump in and do it. Baby steps (away from fridge, away from the wine,
away from the nachos.) I'll keep you posted!

Consumerism Whine, or "Why do I Have to Have it All?"

As I sit here enjoying my glass of pinot grigio, I feel compelled to examine all
the ways in which my senses have been bombarded with the singular message
of "Buy Now,Pay Later." This assault happens on a daily basis and I find myself
feeling a little violated now and then. Especially when my wallet is saying one
thing and my mind is saying, "No, really, that skirt makes you look like Angelina."

I keep getting credit card offers in the mail. I can almost hear them whispering
in my mailbox before I open the little door. They say things like "You will shop
now, you will spend more than you earn and you will LIKE IT."  Well, of course
I will like it, but I will throw up at the site of the bills rolling in.  Who decided that
credit cards were a good thing? I know there are people out there who are
completely disciplined in this area. It's like a cult that only special people can join.
I am not one of those special people. I have one credit card in my purse, two
laying in a drawer (just in case) and one laying under a pound of ground beef in
the freezer. (That's my "emergency food supply.")

Marketing people have my number...if it will make me look younger, thinner
and more popular than I'm hell bent on getting it. At least I used to be. Now,
I think I'd rather strive to fit into more of the clothes that I actually have. I think
I would rather spend time with friends than money with strangers.

Why does it take getting older to see things like this more clearly??

Wine of my Youth...or was that Beer?

I once fought off three guys at one time vying for my attention during my 20's.
They were all named Steve, thankfully, and I was too full of myself (or beer)
to feel any kind of remorse about possibly leading them on. Fast forward 20
years and you are more apt to find me fighting off wrinkles named crowsfeet
and a wine-belly....sexy, I know.

I thought I was brave and strong and resilient, but it turns out I was just lucky,
had good timing and could talk my way out of, or into anything.

I wish I had the benefit of hindsight back then, but maybe that would have
interferred with the "happy accidents" and spontaneous moments that have made
my life the thrill ride it has been.  I've seen fireworks in five different states and
two countries. I met a guy who makes me laugh and still sees me how I was when
I was in my twenties (on a good day) and a little boy who can bring me to tears
just by watching him sleep. My cat thinks I walk on water just because I bring her
food at the drop of meow and my mailman sorts my mail alphabetically because
he knows I'm quirky like that.

I feel like I am at the starting gate of some big changes in my life. I want to run full
speed ahead, but I need to be patient and burst out of the starting block when I
have the right shoes.

Funny how I still chuckle when I meet someone named Steve.

I Have No Reason to Whine

I'm trying to look at my life through a bigger lens than just what I can see right
in front of me. I'm trying not to compare myself to other people even though it's
such a natural urge to do so. I think, why don't I have those things that I see
other people having and then I get this little kick in the shin reminding me that
I have no idea what life is like for that person who seemingly has it all.

I don't have it all, but what I have seems pretty good on most days. My husband
is the biggest, funniest dork in the world and I love him. He is 44 going on 14, but
no one can make me laugh or infuriate me more (in all of two seconds) than he
does. But you know what, he is still here, we are still together and that's got to
count for something.

I can go to bed at night with a clear conscience knowing that I did my best to
be the best I could be and generally be good to those around me. I'd like to
think that I have had a small positive impact on the friends I have made. My
very good friends in St. Louis certainly did let me know that I was loved and
missed this past weekend when they took pictures of Flo from the Progressive
commercials and set her in various pool type pictures while they had their last
pool party of the summer.  Oh, by the way, my nickname is Flo to those gals
from the Beaver Club out in St. Paul. So, to Jen F, Man Candy and Sweet D,
thanks for keeping me in the loop, we sure know how to party.

See, I have no reason to whine.

The Whine in Which I Want a new Family

If you ever want to know what a broken record sounds like, come to my house. I am
the epitome of a broken record. I'm not taken seriously until something is lost or
broken and then suddenly everyone wants to pay attention and do what I say.

This is the whine in which I lament over the same sad things that pretty much every
mother goes through daily/weekly/monthly. Part of me needs to know if maybe
I am just a control freak trying to impress my wants and needs on my family, but
do dirty socks really need to be continually left out in the front entrance way for
all to see? Do dirty cleats and running shoes really need to be left underneath the
coffee table and why is it so hard to hang up a freaking towel?? People say just
leave it alone. But here's the thing I CAN'T PHYSICALLY DO THAT. 
I have been hardwired to believe that "everything has a place and a place for
everything." We have closets and drawers for a purpose. Bathrooms come with a
vanity so not every single item needs to be left out on the counter because
eventually you will use that item again.

Today I walked away from my dinner table, plate in hand, and hid back in the
guestroom. I have no desire to eat so I should have just left the food behind. I feel
like giving up and part of me really wants to and then the rational part of me knows
I need to just suck it up. Wouldn't it be nice though, for just a little while for those
little things that you repeatedly ask for OVER and OVER again to be taken care of?
Am I that unrealistic?? Do I have it backwards? Should I be so damn happy that
I have a spouse and child that I put my big girl panties on suck it up?

I need another glass of wine before I can answer that. For now I will shamefully
hide because I just don't know what to say anymore.

(let the record show that my son did just come in and hug me and my husband
did bring me another glass of wine....ah hell, am I really that bad of a whiner??)

Whine, Wine.....Earned!

I have just completed my first week of work at a new and challenging job and
I must say this glass of wine tastes better, colder and just the perfect hint of apple
and citrus all because I EARNED it.

That's right...I earned it.  This isn't a "pity glass" or a "I'm blue, pick me up glass",
but a "celebratory glass" for a job well done and that my friends, ALWAYS taste
better. I have recently decided to stop saying that "I am lucky" and I will be replacing
it with "I am blessed." Does this shorten my "to do" list by any measure? I think not.

It does, however, mark a monumental shift in my thinking and behaviors.  "Here,
here!"(That's me, raising my glass of pinot to you all!)

It's been a good week. I do have some challenges ahead. I have to "face my giants"
in other areas of my life now that I have met this one. For example, how do I treat
my bodywith respect and coax it along to look and feel as good as I did in my
mid-thirties. Trust me, you will look back at a lot of pictures of yourself and just
like Baz Lurhmannsays, "You are not as fat as you think you are." I have to set a
better example for myfamily and since I am the one that does all the shopping and
the cooking, I'm the one to blame when Pringles make an appearance in my
cupboard. Speaking of shopping,I bought the cutest dress....but I digress....

So raise a glass if you EARNED it this week (this term can be interpreted
VERY loosely!)and we will talk about shopping next week!

Ta ta!

Catching up with....wine!

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was a time to drink and a time to mourn, a time to laugh and a time to cry....so I did all four.  Maybe not in that order.

People always say never take anything for granted and why is it that we have to learn these things the hard way?  I have had the best week and have had the worst news given to me in the same week. My equillibrium is all screwed up and for once it isn't the wine.

I will focus on the fact that I did manage to get a job...yeah me! I have learned not to brag about it or go on about it in anyway because a lot of people really don't want to hear the good news. I'm sorry it didn't take a long time, but I was prepared and I worked my behind off in those interviews. I feel like all parties involved felt like it was a good fit and sometimes that's more important than what's on your resume.

So right now I'm wishing I could have a glass of wine with friends like Mary L, Sue D and the Karen's, Marilou, 867-5309 and Sweet D and my Co-Prez. You all know who you are.  Miss ya!

Packing it in Whine.....???

I can't seem to find a writing groove these days...I seem to be caught up in the little
moments of life that suck out all the fun one could be having like, cleaning the bathroom
(gotta love having a boy) paying the bills (health insurance is a whine all its own)
and scooping litter. I'm seeing a crappy theme here.

I also need to figure out where to set up my painting. Now the lanai seems like a perfect
spot (in fact it's the only spot unless I want my shower to be a dual purpose area
of the home.) It's just too darn hot or raining out right now.  Whine on little whiner...

So, I think I will just concentrate on one thing at a time. Perhaps that's the key to success
in anything. Go ahead, put all your eggs in one basket and see what kind of omelette
you get. This will be a new experience for me because normally I like to do way too
many things at once and I inevitably screw up something. Does anyone else out there
do one thing at one time or do we all have a society driven form of ADHD??

PMS Whine....

I am thoroughly convinced that monthly personal hygiene products should be sold
in a simple survival kit containing: 1 bottle of wine, 1 large box of chocolate, 1
package of tissues, 1 bottle of Midol and an 800 # for a local shrink. This would be
presented in a very chic box enhanced by some very delightful bath oil  You would
think after years and years of this abuse I would be much more adept at controlling
my emotions etc. during this "special time." (Sadly, I have noticed that even
domesticated animals steer clear of me during these six days of hell....ok, who
am I kidding, it's more like twelve.)

My particular rant this month involves a Pity Party for One in which I am always the
hostess.  My raging hormones have me convinced that I am completely undesirable and
would be better off living amongst a pack of wolves. The temptation is there, but I don't
think I could handle their rejection as well.

In this state my Superwoman alter ego deflates faster than my attempt at baking a
souffle. My pants are tighter, my sweet tooth takes over my nutritional needs and
if you are nice to me I will most definitely cry.  I feel that relief is in sight when
I can stand to be in the same room as my family for more than five minutes without
tearing up.

How about I get back to you in all, in say, twelve days?

Weekend News Update...."I am Superwoman"

In a shocking turn of events, the people of Fort Myers, FL have learned that yes,
Jennifer Kuhn is indeed Superwoman.

"I tried to remain in cognito for as long as possible, but some of the dumbass citizens of
this place needed to learn the hard and fast way that, yes, I was the elusive figure that
sorted out bullshit that piles up in the most common neighborhoods and lets it be known
that no way in hell am I going to stand by and take their crap."

WHOA...where did that come from neighbors cried? Who is this bitch on wheels you
may ask?

Why, it is I, SUPERWOMAN.  Now, before shit really hits the fan I will let you all in on
a little secret. Inside all of us lies SUPERWOMAN! You just have to dig deep and find that
strength inside of you to really stand up for what you believe in. There are too many fake
people in this world, people who are trying to be copies of all the people they see in
magazines or people that believe they should emulate. BE YOU and only YOU.
You were created for a reason, you have a SPECIFIC role in this life.
Let your Superwoman fly.

She will thank you later.

Today Whine

Today isn't really an extraordinary day, it's not like it pops out on the calendar,

but today I just really miss my friends. I feel like I should be at McGurk's having

fish and chips and just hanging out and laughing.

 

Today I have an ear infection, a job interview happened at 8:30 am in which I was

told I am overqualified for the job and at 4:30 this evening my son was saying

he shouldn't eat bread if he wants to lose weight to play football.

 

Today I want to kick the shit out of the football coach who told me that my

son needs to lose 7lbs in 12 days to be consider for a spot on the team.

I want to jump over the counter at Walgreen's at the lady who is telling me

that they no longer accept my health insurance and I need to find another

pharmacist.

 

Today I want to pretend that I am my cat and just curl up in a ball and let everything

just float on by.

 

But today is almost over and I've survived it. I got my medicine, my son is thinking

about playing for a different team and I'm sure I will return to Walgreen's...eventually.

 

Thanks for being part of my day.

Job Hunting Sucks

Was it the movie "Rainman" where Tom Cruise tells Dustin Hoffman that
"K Mart sucks."   That about wraps up how I feel about job hunting. Why can't
employers just feel my awesomeness without having to jump through hoops?

I've been out of work since June 15th, my own doing, as you all know I have recently
moved. Now, seeing dolphins every day does have its advantageous, but those
water-dwelling creatures do not pay the bills. My extended "vacation" is starting to
get on my nerves. You know you have issues when you start to "wipe out" the foot
prints on the carpet because you want everything to still look neat, maintain a facsimile
of control in your environment, or you obsess  over whether or not that particular
picture should really be hanging next to that bookshelf.

Enough! Give me some paper, a desk a phone and irritating people to deal with and
I'm right at home. Let me organize, banter back and forth with colleagues and pretend
I really do like the swill offered as free coffee in the breakroom. When you start            answering your personal cell phone like an infomercial commentator you know
it's time to get a job.  When wine starts to look real good by 2pm you really need to
get out of the house.

I will close with this. I'm a worker. I'm not the Queen Bee or the Princess locked
in the tower (my hair would never grow that long without cosmetic enhancements
that I can't  afford right now anyway.) I work, therefore I am happy.

The saga continues....

Holy AWOL!!

Wow, had no idea it had been over three weeks since I last posted. Moving will do that to you.  Moving will do many things to you. It will make you re-examine every possible use for duct tape, packing tape and bubble wrap. It will make you curse the day you bought anything and stored it in your home because now you have to pack the damn thing and how the hell were you supposed to know that the awesome hurricane lamp you had to have does not fit in any standard box? You will survive off dry cereal, peanut butter and Twix bars because they are there and quite frankly very convenient. You will stare down your spouse and child if they enter any room that has been freshly cleaned and you will monitor every item that goes in every box.

It's freakin' exhausting!

So here I am at the other end of the move and I have to keep reminding myself that I live here now, I'm not just visiting. Even though we now have FL plates on our car and I have four palm trees in my yard it's a little hard to digest. You know you are not a true Floridian when you are freaking out over a tropical storm and your neighbors are still drinking mai tai's. A tiny lizard darted out behind some boxes and I jumped a foot in the air. I haven't worn make-up or done my hair in over a week. It's kind of liberating actually.

Now, which flip flops shall I wear tomorrow?

Fifty Shades of What???

Ok, I will put it out there. I read "Fifty Shades of Grey" in about 2 days. And then I proceeded to finish off the trilogy in much the same fashion. What is it about the naughty nature of erotic books that makes people blush furiously (I am red-faced just typing this admission out!) Once I got through all the sex scenes and tried to figure out what Little Miss Ana wanted from Mr. Grey it really wasn't too difficult to decipher.

I don't think we all want to be chained to a bed (and if you do, have at it!) but I do think we all like the idea of being treated with such love and passion. And who wouldn't want an Audi being thrown their way? Ok, some will get hung up on the idea that he was paying for her services and I can see where that would come from too.  I'm not asking for a litany of responses as to whether or not what Christian did was right or wrong. Miss Steele had no trouble making her fair point well made.

Or, you could just suspend your need to judge and enjoy a quick summer read.

High School Reunion Whine

My high school reunion is this weekend and ...oops, sorry I spilled my wine, where was I?

Oh yes, the high school reunion. This could be a four letter word to some people, but I'm actually sad that I don't get to go and see how everyone turned out. Facebook has taken away all of the surprises you might encounter at a reunion because we can reconnect so easily with people by sitting our butts down in front of the computer. By now you already know who gained weight, who got skinny, who is a gazillionaire, who had 9 kids, what happened to the old science teacher and if your first crush looks as great as he did then as he does now.  In my case, that would be a big yes.

Do I look as good now as I did then? Kind of self-centered thing to ask, really.  Hold on, need to fill up my glass...ok, I'm back.  I have done all kinds of crazy, fun things since high school and I've been through some life-changing experiences...but haven't we all? I think that's the fun of going to a reunion! Who cares what you look like.  Are you happy, did you discover a cure for some horrible disease, do your kids think you are all that, does your husband still love you after all these years, have you been around the world and back and did you really do all those things in high school that I think you did??

So, to all my Westminster High School Alums, Graduating Class of 1990...here's to you! I'm sure you are all wonderful in your own special ways and I wish I could have been there to catch up with you, hear your stories, share your pain and celebrate your good times!

CHEERS!!

Building up Good Karma

I believe that one good turn deserves another. I believe that there is a cosmic

order in this world beyond our comprehension...it's called Karma.

I'm building up a wealth of good karma. I may not have a fancy car, fabulously

expensive shoes or a single cup coffee maker, but I've got "good-vibes karma"

coming out the ying yang.

Good karma allows me to leap tall buildings in a single bound, find the missing

tip to my son's Harry Potter wand and finally get the cat out from under the porch.

I once made dinner in under 3 seconds and yes, crackers and cheese do count.

Kind people bag my groceries for me, movie theatre employees tear my tickets

in half and my rice krispies have an extra snap crackle and pop.

Perhaps I was born this way or perhaps its my cosmic reward for all the good I

try to project out into the world. For example, I don't talk on my cell phone while

driving, I always change the toilet paper roll (paper over) when empty and I put

my grocery cart back in the cart coral.

I feel a rush of good vibes already.

Keep this in mind.....

I think this pretty much sums up how all the wonderful things in life
just come together.  There is a plan for your life people, don't fight it,

follow it.

Laughter REALLY is the Best Medicine....

I am funny…at least I used to think I was. For those of you who would like

to send fan mail referencing my awesome sense of humor, by all means send it in.

There have been a lot of changes going on in my life over the last few weeks and

if I didn’t keep a sense of humor I would be crying at the bottom of a box of wine

(keep it classy St. Louis!)

As you know I am moving…again.  The fifth time in 10 years. I am a master packer,

I throw things away ruthlessly when I don’t want to pack them and I almost have a

photographic memory for what is stored in what box. That is until it’s an absolute
emergency and I need the item in question RIGHT NOW.

Telling my son wasn’t such a fun thing. He reacted in a very normal 10 year old way,

but that doesn’t mean it didn’t break my heart watching the sadness take over his

little face.  How do you joke about moving? In our warped sort of way we did
manage to inject some  humor into this situation which was a great relief.

The day I lose my sense of humor is the day the vineyards dry up…..

Negative Nether-world....

In six weeks I will be moving to Fort Myers, FL to be closer to my husband’s family.

I should be thrilled, excited and brimming with enthusiasm, but I’m not. Now, this

move is a great idea, it’s been  years in the making. We feel like our son should

grow up being surrounded by family and we need to settle down somewhere for

good.

Happiness is alluding me because my son has slipped into some kind of “negative

nether-world” where nothing is going right for him, he thinks he ruins everything,

his teachers expect too much and he is under too much pressure. Did I mention

before that he is 10? My ability to over analyze to the nth degree is prohibiting me

from seeing this for what it is, a phase in his life. Did I mention though that I have

a tendency to be the same way? My expectations for perfection in my own life

often leave me in a negative stupor when my ability does not live up to the

performance I expected.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He was supposed to grow up and take after his

dad who is confident, tenacious and loves a challenge. I feel like I have done him

a grave disservice and I don’t want him to be like me. I don’t have an answer

for this, I just want my son to grow up happy and content.

I better lead by example. (This is just a phase, right?)

I Like You Just The Way You Are

I used to think that only certain adults resisted change, but recent events

have shown me that this is not necessarily true. Kids resist change too. Not

the simple “let’s move the wii console over to this side of the tv” kind of change, or

the drastic “guess what, we’re moving to Africa!” kind of change either. They get

comfortable in their own little worlds and like things just the way they are.

I recently dabbled in the “how would look as a brunette” change of hair color

and boy did my son not like this at all. He said “Mom, you look weird.” And wanted

to know if I could change it back right away. (That’s something only Miss Clairol knows.)

One time I was looking at a fitness magazine and I showed TJ a picture of this

workout model and said, “TJ, how would you like it if I looked like that?” He replied

“I like you just the way you are.” What a smart kid!

I get where he is coming from though. My mom has had a very, very rough few years

battling cancer and knee surgery and her appearance has changed so much. When
I close my eyes I always picture her how she was when I still lived at home and

mom was everything. She is still everything, even though she looks different and I

would tell her “I like you just the way you are.”

The World's Best Mom...Ever

Today...I am all out of Whine

Today I woke up and I felt so completely blessed! I have been trying to start my mornings by reading a selected daily devotional and just trying to be QUIET so that maybe I could hear GOD and learn what direction my life is supposed to go in. I find that the more I struggle against certain things, the more difficult my life is to navigate.  I have learned that I am not the Captain of my ship and once I let go of that concept things started to really fall into place. Don't get me wrong, I fully understand the concept of free will and I know that I make choices everyday. I also know that when I feel an inner calmness and peace about a decision than that is the way my life is supposed to go. I want people to feel joy when they are around me and not a wall of negativity. I think my son is picking up on it too and it's so nice to see him make good decisions.

"Silver Jug" Painting by Jenn Kuhn

Tomorrow I might wake up on the wrong side of the bed, I could spill coffee all over myself and maybe my car won't start. But today....today is a good day.

They can smell fear....

A scary thought crossed my mind the other day. Eventually my son is going

to grow up and realize that I don’t know everything. Right now I’m practically

omnipotent in his little world. I have eyes in the back of my head. I can hear

a pin drop from next door and I know without a shadow of doubt when he is lying.

I can fix the hurts, smooth over pain and he still thinks I’m cool to walk around in

public with. I don’t want this stage to ever end!

Eventually he is going to know that I can barely do 5^th grade math, I can’t solve

every problem he encounters and he may not want to be seen with me in public.

At this stage in the game all he knows is that “Mom’s got it together.”  Or does she???

Our kids can smell fear, they know when something isn’t right so we have to be

vigilant in keeping our shit together. Seriously! They can’t know that you sometimes

lay awake for hours at night wondering how to fix the latest issue in your adult life.

They need security and love more than anything.

Damn I miss being a kid and thinking adults were invincible!

Kid Whine.....

Children can be a wonderful source of joy and happiness. When you are a parent

you experience such a rush of love for your kids; it’s unlike anything you have

ever experienced before.

Maybe that’s why it’s so hard to deal with the ups and downs of parenthood.

Parenting is HARD WORK. Think about it, you are responsible for raising this

kid to be an all-around good person and to not get involved in drugs, violence,

and all kinds of evil that exists in this world. Our job is to protect them. But there

are days I tell you when I just want to strap my child to a chair and tell him he

has NO IDEA how good his life is. My child is convinced that his life is horrible

because he doesn’t have all the gadgets that his friends have. Too bad. It feels

like nothing is ever good enough for him.

Did I raise him to be this way? Where does this come from? He is well loved,

well liked, and has a very comfortable life. So really, what gives?

I’m not going to find the answer in a glass of wine, but it’s tempting. I can’t

possibly be the only mom to experience this….am I?

TV Whine

I think I watch entirely too much television. I believe there is a permanent
indent on my couch where my behind comfortably fits. My son just zones
out completely when watching tv. His play station could be on fire and
 he wouldn't even notice.

Now, I like to watch one channel and not flip around too much. It's familiar,
comfortable and safe to stick with one program.  My husband on the other
hand cannot let the remote control out of his site. It's almost like a third arm.
Heaven forbid this little contraption  should go missing! If I had to rate
household appliances in order of importance for him  the REMOTE CONTROL
 would be NUMBER ONE! He flips back and forth  constantly between
programs and I swear I get dizzy. Sometimes I love when it's only me watching tv.

Then I can feel safe and familiar in my little program world.  Hands off the remote!!

A Beautiful Life Cut Short....

While this is not normally a topic that I would include in my blog, it’s weighing so heavily on my heart that I feel like I need to just share some things. An old high school friend was tragically killed this past weekend by some crazy man intent on inflicting pain to an innocent bystander. He was attacked in downtown London, ON and his family and friends are just reeling from this senseless act of violence.  I can’t even begin to understand what his family and close friends back home are going through? Dan had the biggest, brightest smile you have ever seen. He was mischievous, funny and I swear every girl in high school had a crush on him. It's just mind boggling that something like this could happen to someone we know. How did our world get so messed up???

It made me want to tell my husband that I love him. It made me want to appreciate the people in my life and make sure they know how much they mean to me. As a mother my heart is so heavy at the prospect of what Dan’s mother has to carry with her for the rest of her life. I know friends and family will be there to help pick up the broken pieces of this beautiful life cut short, but it still hurts.

Daniel Brand - Rest In Peace



A Certain Sense of Freedom

My son and I were talking this morning about eating healthy and working out and I told him that I had lost 4 lbs in the last couple of weeks.  His response was “Well, that’s enough to keep you safe for one more week on the Biggest Loser.” I could have died laughing right then and there, but he was so earnest in his compliment, that I just said, “Thank you TJ.”

That got me thinking about how great being a kid is because you don’t give a flying leap whether or not your clothes match, if your hair is showing its roots or if you even have on matching shoes. You are just so darn happy to be living another day and playing that none of that stuff matters. My son went through a period where he wanted to be the Red Power Ranger and he wore every shade of red under the sun and he was one happy little camper.

I want those days back! There was an article in the Ladies Home Journal with Melissa McCartney (if you don't know who she is rent "Bridesmaids" and you will never forget!) She says something like “There’s a certain kind of freedom when you don’t care what other people think.”

I think I’m on my way to a fabulous sense of freedom.

"Sip....Confess"

There is a scene in "Sex and the City 2" in which Miranda and Charlotte are having

dinner in their private bar in their hotel room.  Charlotte is having a hard time being away

from her girls while on vacation and Miranda is trying to get her to talk about things.

Miranda says something like, "I love my son, you know I do, but sometimes it's good

to just get away from him." Charlotte is astounded that a mother would admit this

and Miranda points at the martini glass and says "Sip, confess." Charlotte is guilt
ridden and admits that she has hidden from her girls in the house when things
get to be too much and she believes she is a bad parent. Miranda points out her
actions are just "Survival 101."

Sip, confess; I couldn't agree more.  Being a parent is tough, the hardest job there

is. Thank goodness there are a ton of rewards. If I could have fit into our linen closet

I probably would have hidden a time or two myself! I used to have dreams of running away

to a really fancy hotel, and sleeping for more than two hours straight in a nice clean,
quiet, comfy bed. My how my dreams have changed!

We do what we have to do to keep ourselves sane. 
A well rested, happy mommy equals happy kids.

Stuff My Kid Says....

Let me introduce you to TJ, because he may factor in heavily on some of my posts, so you might as well get to know him up front.  TJ just turned 10, going on 15. He loves baseball, football, WWE and he is just pretty awesome. (No paid endorsements were given to me for that last statement.)

One day when I was picking TJ up from kindergarten, he seemed pretty excited about what he learned that day, so I asked him about it. 

Me:  “So, TJ what did you learn in school today?”

TJ:  “Oh mom, today we learned all about King Arthur!”

Me:  “Wow, King Arthur huh, he was pretty cool.”

TJ:  "Yeah, you know the guy, he had a white shirt and black suit."

Me:  "I didn't know King Arthur wore a suit."

TJ:  “Yeah, you know the guy, he wore a white shirt, black tie and he got shot in a hotel.”

Me:  (looking rather dubious at TJ through my rear view mirror)”Um, TJ, did you guys learn about Martin Luther King Jr?”

“Oh yeah, that’s the guy!”

So happy to be paying for a quality education!  We still laugh over that one. You have to write these things down people, you think you will remember, but trust me you won’t.

A Pathetic Whine....

The day started out pretty much like every other day.  I woke up, worked out, had breakfast and got ready for work.  In between doing all of my activities of daily living I had to fit in: 

1.       Putting away dishes from last night.

2.       Cleaning cat litter AGAIN.

3.       Cleaning up after son’s breakfast and doing dishes.

4.       Find missing library book.

5.       Put together quick grocery list so we could have a decent meal tonight.

6.       Find missing keys.

Ok, ok, I get it. These are all very petty little whiny things, but when I start adding up all of the things I do on a regular basis without assistance I pretty much want to tear out my Miss Clairol colored hair.  In my dream world a very handsome man named Sven (yes, he is very Swedish and muscular and smart and more than that he can fix pretty much ANYTHING!) I digress….Sven offers to make dinner, finds his own bloody socks and fixes the weed whacker with flair.  Did I mention that he is also sweet, loving and kind?

Then I catch a glimpse in the mirror of my aging self and the look of bitterness I am carrying really does not enhance my looks in any way.  Perhaps I should be happy I have a man who still loves me after all these years and I have good eyes that allow me to find the missing items in our house and a little boy who brings me more joy than I could ever imagine.  Yeah, this is a pathetic whine....

The One Where I Feel Sorry for Myself

What keeps me up at night? What thoughts lounge around in the corner bar of my mind? Will my life ever feel like it is in balance? Will my husband ever find a job that he likes and can support us? Will we have to move? How will my son be affected? How will I cope with having to explain the possibility of moving to a 10 year old that already had to adjust to one move less than two years ago?

I fluctuate between moments of abject terror and an eerie calm and sometimes my stomach is so nauseous I have to put my head down. I hate having to explain the situation to friends because it’s always changing.  I’m tired of the dangling carrots of possibility that seem to disappear faster than a magician’s rabbit in a black Top Hat. “Poof – you’re screwed again!” I’m not alone in my swirling vortex of unanswerable questions, but somehow that doesn’t make me feel any better.

I guess I will keep smiling on the outside and explore all those fleeting possibilities because what other choice do I have? Wine won’t solve this problem; neither will chocolate even though the thought is mildly tempting if not completely self-destructive.  I’d like to know who coined the phrase “This too shall pass” because I’d like to ask him or her how and when?

The why doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

Moving Sucks....(Whine # 21)

Moving sucks.  The actual process of putting your entire life into a box and then loading it onto a truck really, really sucks.  Even if you are looking forward to where you are going there is a huge part of you that wishes Captain Spock would come along with his transporter and just do it all for you.  Wouldn’t that be great???

I know a thing or two about moving.  I have moved four times in ten years and I’m not even a military wife, go figure.  The reason for all of these moves requires a complete and separate blog in itself titled “What Was I Thinking and Other Mind Boggling Moments.”  Here is my Top 10 List of things that WILL happen during your move:

1.       You will estimate the number of boxes needed thinking you are prepared, but you really should have tripled the amount.

2.       Something will break, despite the fluffy cloud of bubble wrap.

3.       Something will get lost.

4.       Something will be found (“Hey, there’s the other ball for the foosball table!”)

5.       You and your spouse/partner/significant other will argue…about very lame things.

6.       You will wonder why you have so much crap when you get to the other end to unpack it all.

7.       Friends will suddenly have big urgent plans when you ask for their help.

8.       Moving companies are expensive, but damn most of them are worth it.

9.       Make sure to keep in a separate box a few kitchen staples, towels, toilet paper and bed sheets for easy access when you first arrive at your new place.

10.   Despite the overwhelming emotional and physical roller coaster moving puts you through; you will settle into your new place and feel at home…eventually.

She said what??!!

I'm wandering around Office Max getting supplies for my work when I accidently bump my cart into another lady's cart as I'm rounding the paper aisle.  We both say "Excuse me" at the same time and then she says, "Oh my dear, you could be a plus size model!"  Yep, that's what she said, not "Oh, you are a pretty lady" not, "My goodness you are nice looking!" Nope, I got compared to a plus size model.
So, how do I take that???  Am I just chunky enough to qualify for that status, but not quite thin enough to be a regular sized model? Not that there aren't plenty of beautiful women out there who are bigger than a size six (which I definitely am!)   Why the heck did she have to preface the compliment with "plus size" and why was I offended??  I just couldn't register it as a compliment.  It felt like telling your enemy through gritted teeth that they "look great" at the high school reunion because you'd rather not start a scene.  I must have looked rather encredulous as I said a weak, "thank you" and strolled away in my cart replaying this scene over and over in my head and sucked my gut in a little more as I proceeded to the check out.

The checkout area had a full display of easter candy nestled by the register, but with that perceived back-handed compliment ringing in the back of my mind I decided to lay off the chocolate eggs.  Treadmill, here I come.

I Paint...Therefore I have no Fingernails....

I like to paint.  I like the smells, the brushes, the canvas, the feeling of being in my own little world.  I have had some luck in selling paintings, but truth be told, I don't paint them so I can sell them, I just like the satisfaction of having something I've worked hard on turn out the way I want it.  Someday I would like to have my own little room with lots of light and bright walls so that I can paint in comfort.  I am holding on to that dream.  Here are a few examples of some of my work.  Enjoy!

There Shall be no Whine Today

Anyone who knows me understands that right now things are kind of topsy-turvey in my life.  Lots of things dangling in the air and nothing concrete to base my future on, but today I refuse to whine.  Today, I am going to let the chips fall where they may (and if there's guacamole on the side than that's just an added bonus!)  I'm going to see this situation for what it is, a door opening to a new adventure no matter where it might lead.  I know this sounds strangely optimistic (especially coming from me) but there's only so many days in a row where you can look at the bleak dark clouds of a situation before you want to go nuts.  It's not helping me find my way, so why bother.  I can do this for today....  (here's a not so subtle hint as to where my sisters-in-law would like me to end up! I love you guys!)

Whine #1....Why Me???

I find myself sometimes buckling under the self-imposed whine of "Why Me?"  I imagine God replying back, "Because I said so." And there you have it, the answer no one really wants to hear.  (Why does it sound so good when we say those same words to our kids, but it sounds like nails on a chalkboard when we have to hear it echoed back to ourselves?)

We already know that life is not fair, it was never really meant to be.  There's only so much a person can take before they feel like they just can't take it anymore.  I'm almost at that point and I have to tell you that through all the downs in my life I haven't made it to the point where I couldn't handle one more thing.  I'm not superwoman, I don't have an inside track to the Man Upstairs and I'm not particularly lucky.  I think we are all A LOT STRONGER THAN WE THINK!!!!  So the next time you want to hide your head in the sand and say "Why me?" maybe you should ask "Why NOT me" because trust me, you can weather any storm that comes your way.  Live the life you are capable of living, lean on your family and friends when it gets too tough. I believe in you!

Sometimes life isn't fair....

My son lost out on an excellent job opportunity yesterday.  He was up against some tough competition, but I could tell he really wanted this job.  Ok, so he is only 9 years old and the job interview was a mock situation in his mini-society experiment at school, but he was devastated nonetheless.  I felt so bad for him.  I wanted to call his teacher and ask her why she would pass up this perfect child for a teacher’s aide position.  But I didn’t.  That would have been the worst thing I could have done.  As much as I want to wrap this child up in bubble wrap and protect him from the not-so-good things in this life I would be doing him a grave disservice. 

I wish I could explain to him how we often have to go through bad things to get to the good things, because to be honest with you, I’m 40 years old and I STILL don’t understand why.  When you are right smack in the middle of disappointment or failure it hurts and no looking forward to the “good things” is going to make it feel better right then.  All I can do is teach him to handle himself with grace and dignity.  I need to try and teach him to turn the other cheek when someone is mean and try to get him to understand the place of hurt the other person is lashing out from. 

I know you will all agree that it is tough being a parent…I’m just glad I didn’t have to interview for this job.  Knowing what I know now I would have been devastated if I didn't get this job too!

Ode to Sisters....

I grew up with two sisters and one brother.  Now, my brother, bless his heart is completely ignorant when it comes to understanding the unique relationship between sisters. So for the sake of this blog entry we will just let it be known that yes, I have a brother, and no, he won’t read this.

A funny thing happened as I got older, and older (and dare I say older!)  I started to REALLY miss my sisters and WANT to talk to them a whole lot more than I ever did during any period of my life.  I live about a gazillion miles away from my sisters and maybe that has something to do with it.  Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I could share something with them.  Growing up I couldn’t wait to strangle both of them at different points in time.  Mostly my younger sister mind you, but that’s what younger sisters are supposed to do, borrow your clothes without asking, listen in on your conversations and rat you out to your mother!

Now I just want to be able to give them a BIG hug and share the fun and not so fun things in life.  They make me laugh, help me feel like I’m normal (that's a BIG job) and they know when to cry right along with me.  If you have a sister (or a great friend who feels like a sister) give them a call today and let them know how much you love them….I just did!

My Daily Reminder

Sometimes our world can be a crazy nasty place, where only bad news grabs the headlines and negative news makes the press.  I have this little thing set up on my Google homepage that gives me a daily reminder from God and I have to tell you it's the brightest spot in my day sometimes.  It's very uplifting and I hope you enjoy it too!  Here is the link and what today's reminder is:

http://remindersfromgod.net/home/thisweek/127-day-72-reminder.html

Decisions, decisions, decisions....

How do you make decisions?  How do you decide which is the right way to go, what the right answer is or what choice will make the best outcome? Do you toss the dice, flip a coin, pick a card?  Some decisions are really easy; wear the pink shirt with the grey pants.  Some decisions are very hard; do I stay where I am or do I move on?

I tend to sit on the fence for far too long and let me assure you that your butt can get pretty numb up there after awhile.  The process of making a decision can actually paralyze you into not making a decision and that is sometimes even worse. The passivity of doing nothing because you are so afraid to make the wrong choice is an all too real occurrence.

Sometimes after the choice has been made and you have resolved to move forward in a particular direction an immense peace and sureness comes to you and you know that you did the right thing.  It’s those decisions that still niggle in the back of your head that can leave you reeling sometimes.  You have to make the resolution to let that go.  It’s done.  You are given the gift of today to learn from your choices and decisions of the past to hopefully make better ones in the future.

Get off the fence, go with your gut and if that doesn’t work say a prayer, you’ll be surprised how quickly the answers will come to you.