The One Where I Feel Sorry for Myself

What keeps me up at night? What thoughts lounge around in the corner bar of my mind? Will my life ever feel like it is in balance? Will my husband ever find a job that he likes and can support us? Will we have to move? How will my son be affected? How will I cope with having to explain the possibility of moving to a 10 year old that already had to adjust to one move less than two years ago?

I fluctuate between moments of abject terror and an eerie calm and sometimes my stomach is so nauseous I have to put my head down. I hate having to explain the situation to friends because it’s always changing.  I’m tired of the dangling carrots of possibility that seem to disappear faster than a magician’s rabbit in a black Top Hat. “Poof – you’re screwed again!” I’m not alone in my swirling vortex of unanswerable questions, but somehow that doesn’t make me feel any better.

I guess I will keep smiling on the outside and explore all those fleeting possibilities because what other choice do I have? Wine won’t solve this problem; neither will chocolate even though the thought is mildly tempting if not completely self-destructive.  I’d like to know who coined the phrase “This too shall pass” because I’d like to ask him or her how and when?

The why doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

Moving Sucks....(Whine # 21)

Moving sucks.  The actual process of putting your entire life into a box and then loading it onto a truck really, really sucks.  Even if you are looking forward to where you are going there is a huge part of you that wishes Captain Spock would come along with his transporter and just do it all for you.  Wouldn’t that be great???

I know a thing or two about moving.  I have moved four times in ten years and I’m not even a military wife, go figure.  The reason for all of these moves requires a complete and separate blog in itself titled “What Was I Thinking and Other Mind Boggling Moments.”  Here is my Top 10 List of things that WILL happen during your move:

1.       You will estimate the number of boxes needed thinking you are prepared, but you really should have tripled the amount.

2.       Something will break, despite the fluffy cloud of bubble wrap.

3.       Something will get lost.

4.       Something will be found (“Hey, there’s the other ball for the foosball table!”)

5.       You and your spouse/partner/significant other will argue…about very lame things.

6.       You will wonder why you have so much crap when you get to the other end to unpack it all.

7.       Friends will suddenly have big urgent plans when you ask for their help.

8.       Moving companies are expensive, but damn most of them are worth it.

9.       Make sure to keep in a separate box a few kitchen staples, towels, toilet paper and bed sheets for easy access when you first arrive at your new place.

10.   Despite the overwhelming emotional and physical roller coaster moving puts you through; you will settle into your new place and feel at home…eventually.

She said what??!!

I'm wandering around Office Max getting supplies for my work when I accidently bump my cart into another lady's cart as I'm rounding the paper aisle.  We both say "Excuse me" at the same time and then she says, "Oh my dear, you could be a plus size model!"  Yep, that's what she said, not "Oh, you are a pretty lady" not, "My goodness you are nice looking!" Nope, I got compared to a plus size model.
So, how do I take that???  Am I just chunky enough to qualify for that status, but not quite thin enough to be a regular sized model? Not that there aren't plenty of beautiful women out there who are bigger than a size six (which I definitely am!)   Why the heck did she have to preface the compliment with "plus size" and why was I offended??  I just couldn't register it as a compliment.  It felt like telling your enemy through gritted teeth that they "look great" at the high school reunion because you'd rather not start a scene.  I must have looked rather encredulous as I said a weak, "thank you" and strolled away in my cart replaying this scene over and over in my head and sucked my gut in a little more as I proceeded to the check out.

The checkout area had a full display of easter candy nestled by the register, but with that perceived back-handed compliment ringing in the back of my mind I decided to lay off the chocolate eggs.  Treadmill, here I come.

I Paint...Therefore I have no Fingernails....

I like to paint.  I like the smells, the brushes, the canvas, the feeling of being in my own little world.  I have had some luck in selling paintings, but truth be told, I don't paint them so I can sell them, I just like the satisfaction of having something I've worked hard on turn out the way I want it.  Someday I would like to have my own little room with lots of light and bright walls so that I can paint in comfort.  I am holding on to that dream.  Here are a few examples of some of my work.  Enjoy!

There Shall be no Whine Today

Anyone who knows me understands that right now things are kind of topsy-turvey in my life.  Lots of things dangling in the air and nothing concrete to base my future on, but today I refuse to whine.  Today, I am going to let the chips fall where they may (and if there's guacamole on the side than that's just an added bonus!)  I'm going to see this situation for what it is, a door opening to a new adventure no matter where it might lead.  I know this sounds strangely optimistic (especially coming from me) but there's only so many days in a row where you can look at the bleak dark clouds of a situation before you want to go nuts.  It's not helping me find my way, so why bother.  I can do this for today....  (here's a not so subtle hint as to where my sisters-in-law would like me to end up! I love you guys!)

Whine #1....Why Me???

I find myself sometimes buckling under the self-imposed whine of "Why Me?"  I imagine God replying back, "Because I said so." And there you have it, the answer no one really wants to hear.  (Why does it sound so good when we say those same words to our kids, but it sounds like nails on a chalkboard when we have to hear it echoed back to ourselves?)

We already know that life is not fair, it was never really meant to be.  There's only so much a person can take before they feel like they just can't take it anymore.  I'm almost at that point and I have to tell you that through all the downs in my life I haven't made it to the point where I couldn't handle one more thing.  I'm not superwoman, I don't have an inside track to the Man Upstairs and I'm not particularly lucky.  I think we are all A LOT STRONGER THAN WE THINK!!!!  So the next time you want to hide your head in the sand and say "Why me?" maybe you should ask "Why NOT me" because trust me, you can weather any storm that comes your way.  Live the life you are capable of living, lean on your family and friends when it gets too tough. I believe in you!

Sometimes life isn't fair....

My son lost out on an excellent job opportunity yesterday.  He was up against some tough competition, but I could tell he really wanted this job.  Ok, so he is only 9 years old and the job interview was a mock situation in his mini-society experiment at school, but he was devastated nonetheless.  I felt so bad for him.  I wanted to call his teacher and ask her why she would pass up this perfect child for a teacher’s aide position.  But I didn’t.  That would have been the worst thing I could have done.  As much as I want to wrap this child up in bubble wrap and protect him from the not-so-good things in this life I would be doing him a grave disservice. 

I wish I could explain to him how we often have to go through bad things to get to the good things, because to be honest with you, I’m 40 years old and I STILL don’t understand why.  When you are right smack in the middle of disappointment or failure it hurts and no looking forward to the “good things” is going to make it feel better right then.  All I can do is teach him to handle himself with grace and dignity.  I need to try and teach him to turn the other cheek when someone is mean and try to get him to understand the place of hurt the other person is lashing out from. 

I know you will all agree that it is tough being a parent…I’m just glad I didn’t have to interview for this job.  Knowing what I know now I would have been devastated if I didn't get this job too!

Ode to Sisters....

I grew up with two sisters and one brother.  Now, my brother, bless his heart is completely ignorant when it comes to understanding the unique relationship between sisters. So for the sake of this blog entry we will just let it be known that yes, I have a brother, and no, he won’t read this.

A funny thing happened as I got older, and older (and dare I say older!)  I started to REALLY miss my sisters and WANT to talk to them a whole lot more than I ever did during any period of my life.  I live about a gazillion miles away from my sisters and maybe that has something to do with it.  Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I could share something with them.  Growing up I couldn’t wait to strangle both of them at different points in time.  Mostly my younger sister mind you, but that’s what younger sisters are supposed to do, borrow your clothes without asking, listen in on your conversations and rat you out to your mother!

Now I just want to be able to give them a BIG hug and share the fun and not so fun things in life.  They make me laugh, help me feel like I’m normal (that's a BIG job) and they know when to cry right along with me.  If you have a sister (or a great friend who feels like a sister) give them a call today and let them know how much you love them….I just did!

My Daily Reminder

Sometimes our world can be a crazy nasty place, where only bad news grabs the headlines and negative news makes the press.  I have this little thing set up on my Google homepage that gives me a daily reminder from God and I have to tell you it's the brightest spot in my day sometimes.  It's very uplifting and I hope you enjoy it too!  Here is the link and what today's reminder is:

http://remindersfromgod.net/home/thisweek/127-day-72-reminder.html

Decisions, decisions, decisions....

How do you make decisions?  How do you decide which is the right way to go, what the right answer is or what choice will make the best outcome? Do you toss the dice, flip a coin, pick a card?  Some decisions are really easy; wear the pink shirt with the grey pants.  Some decisions are very hard; do I stay where I am or do I move on?

I tend to sit on the fence for far too long and let me assure you that your butt can get pretty numb up there after awhile.  The process of making a decision can actually paralyze you into not making a decision and that is sometimes even worse. The passivity of doing nothing because you are so afraid to make the wrong choice is an all too real occurrence.

Sometimes after the choice has been made and you have resolved to move forward in a particular direction an immense peace and sureness comes to you and you know that you did the right thing.  It’s those decisions that still niggle in the back of your head that can leave you reeling sometimes.  You have to make the resolution to let that go.  It’s done.  You are given the gift of today to learn from your choices and decisions of the past to hopefully make better ones in the future.

Get off the fence, go with your gut and if that doesn’t work say a prayer, you’ll be surprised how quickly the answers will come to you.

Birthday Presents Gone Wild!

Ok, did I miss the memo that went out awhile ago concerning birthday gifts for kids between the ages of 6 and 10?  I have never seen so many children with iphones, ipads, tablets, ipods and whatever trendy electronic devices Best Buy has available.  Whatever happened to coloring books, sports equipment, dolls, action figures, lego and things of that nature?  Rarely can you go out nowadays without seeing a child playing on a DS etc. at some sort of social gathering, because heaven forbid that child should be BORED or have to pay attention to something other than a video screen.

What happens when these kids are fourteen and fifteen years old?  What type of presents do we buy for them at that age?  It’s not just the cost associated with these gifts, heck if you have the money and that’s how you want to spend it, then I suppose that’s your prerogative.  The decision to purchase these items draws a definite line in the sandbox of those kids who “have” and those kids who “don’t.”

My son has birthday coming up at the end of the month and already he wants all the things his friends have and I just can’t bring myself to spend all that money on a birthday gift.

Does that make me a bad mom? 

Signed Suffering in Birthday Present Guilt

My daily goal.....

                                              

I Like Monday's

Call me crazy, but I like Monday's.  Everyone always seems to complain about this dreaded day, but I see Monday’s as a “do over.”  We could all use a few “do overs” in our lives.  Think about it, every time someone wants to start something new, when do they generally begin? They always start on a Monday.  No one ever starts a new project on say a Wednesday or a Thursday.  Everyone starts on Monday.  For example:

                “I will start my new diet on Monday.”

                “I will start my new workout program on Monday.”                

And the list goes on and on.  Monday’s are kind of like the New Year’s Day of the week.  You get a chance to start fresh every week and become that person you always wanted to be. It’s almost like back to school time in September, but you only have to wait six days instead of months to begin again. 

Take advantage of this gift of a “do over” and embrace your Monday.

Can I Please Show you my ID??

I don't get carded anymore. Truth be told it's been a LONG time since someone asked for my ID.  Well there was that one time when an old man behind the service counter was trying to flirt with me and said I didn't look a day over 20 when I was 37.  So I flashed him.

I even have easy access to my ID in case I have whip it out at a moments notice (yes, we are still talking about my ID) so that I don't have to hold up anyone in line behind me (see Whine # 38.)  I also get called "Ma'am" a lot and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that either.

Is it all down hill from here?  Is my next big milestone getting the seniors discount offers in the mail?  Shopping only on Seniors discount day? Whew, just the thought got me a little hot under the collar.  Holy snickers don't tell me that was hot flash? Maybe I'll get some estrogen coupons in the mail tomorrow.

That's it, to the wine store we go.  Good thing I have my ID.

Alas, my scale is broken

My scale is broken.  There is really no other explanation for why the needle on my scale refuses to take a nose dive down into a much more respectable number.  *sigh*  I made the mistake of cleaning my closet out the other day and found my bathing suits.  I tried them on.  There may have been a few tears.  Two glasses of wine later I found the motivation to perhaps do something about it….after finishing off the last piece of garlic bread.

This is a really terrible time of the year because the first signs of spring are starting to sprout up all over just like my cellulite.  I’m determined to not hide behind a big t-shirt this year at the pool or avoid the sunny oasis all together.  If I have to deal with Jillian Michaels and cottage cheese for the next six weeks I will do it. The problem is that I am notorious for starting things and never finishing them.  That’s hard to admit out loud.  Maybe this time it will be different.

I found this great link that will take you from a couch potatoe to a half marathon runner.  I'm going to do it! (Stop laughing!)

Right after I finish this bag of low-fat chips and watching The Biggest Loser.

http://www.fitnessmagazine.com/workout/running/half-marathon-guide/?sssdmh=dm17.583583&esrc=nwfitdailytip030112&email=4117340860