The One Where I Feel Sorry for Myself

What keeps me up at night? What thoughts lounge around in the corner bar of my mind? Will my life ever feel like it is in balance? Will my husband ever find a job that he likes and can support us? Will we have to move? How will my son be affected? How will I cope with having to explain the possibility of moving to a 10 year old that already had to adjust to one move less than two years ago?

I fluctuate between moments of abject terror and an eerie calm and sometimes my stomach is so nauseous I have to put my head down. I hate having to explain the situation to friends because it’s always changing.  I’m tired of the dangling carrots of possibility that seem to disappear faster than a magician’s rabbit in a black Top Hat. “Poof – you’re screwed again!” I’m not alone in my swirling vortex of unanswerable questions, but somehow that doesn’t make me feel any better.

I guess I will keep smiling on the outside and explore all those fleeting possibilities because what other choice do I have? Wine won’t solve this problem; neither will chocolate even though the thought is mildly tempting if not completely self-destructive.  I’d like to know who coined the phrase “This too shall pass” because I’d like to ask him or her how and when?

The why doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

Moving Sucks....(Whine # 21)

Moving sucks.  The actual process of putting your entire life into a box and then loading it onto a truck really, really sucks.  Even if you are looking forward to where you are going there is a huge part of you that wishes Captain Spock would come along with his transporter and just do it all for you.  Wouldn’t that be great???

I know a thing or two about moving.  I have moved four times in ten years and I’m not even a military wife, go figure.  The reason for all of these moves requires a complete and separate blog in itself titled “What Was I Thinking and Other Mind Boggling Moments.”  Here is my Top 10 List of things that WILL happen during your move:

1.       You will estimate the number of boxes needed thinking you are prepared, but you really should have tripled the amount.

2.       Something will break, despite the fluffy cloud of bubble wrap.

3.       Something will get lost.

4.       Something will be found (“Hey, there’s the other ball for the foosball table!”)

5.       You and your spouse/partner/significant other will argue…about very lame things.

6.       You will wonder why you have so much crap when you get to the other end to unpack it all.

7.       Friends will suddenly have big urgent plans when you ask for their help.

8.       Moving companies are expensive, but damn most of them are worth it.

9.       Make sure to keep in a separate box a few kitchen staples, towels, toilet paper and bed sheets for easy access when you first arrive at your new place.

10.   Despite the overwhelming emotional and physical roller coaster moving puts you through; you will settle into your new place and feel at home…eventually.

She said what??!!

I'm wandering around Office Max getting supplies for my work when I accidently bump my cart into another lady's cart as I'm rounding the paper aisle.  We both say "Excuse me" at the same time and then she says, "Oh my dear, you could be a plus size model!"  Yep, that's what she said, not "Oh, you are a pretty lady" not, "My goodness you are nice looking!" Nope, I got compared to a plus size model.
So, how do I take that???  Am I just chunky enough to qualify for that status, but not quite thin enough to be a regular sized model? Not that there aren't plenty of beautiful women out there who are bigger than a size six (which I definitely am!)   Why the heck did she have to preface the compliment with "plus size" and why was I offended??  I just couldn't register it as a compliment.  It felt like telling your enemy through gritted teeth that they "look great" at the high school reunion because you'd rather not start a scene.  I must have looked rather encredulous as I said a weak, "thank you" and strolled away in my cart replaying this scene over and over in my head and sucked my gut in a little more as I proceeded to the check out.

The checkout area had a full display of easter candy nestled by the register, but with that perceived back-handed compliment ringing in the back of my mind I decided to lay off the chocolate eggs.  Treadmill, here I come.

I Paint...Therefore I have no Fingernails....

I like to paint.  I like the smells, the brushes, the canvas, the feeling of being in my own little world.  I have had some luck in selling paintings, but truth be told, I don't paint them so I can sell them, I just like the satisfaction of having something I've worked hard on turn out the way I want it.  Someday I would like to have my own little room with lots of light and bright walls so that I can paint in comfort.  I am holding on to that dream.  Here are a few examples of some of my work.  Enjoy!

There Shall be no Whine Today

Anyone who knows me understands that right now things are kind of topsy-turvey in my life.  Lots of things dangling in the air and nothing concrete to base my future on, but today I refuse to whine.  Today, I am going to let the chips fall where they may (and if there's guacamole on the side than that's just an added bonus!)  I'm going to see this situation for what it is, a door opening to a new adventure no matter where it might lead.  I know this sounds strangely optimistic (especially coming from me) but there's only so many days in a row where you can look at the bleak dark clouds of a situation before you want to go nuts.  It's not helping me find my way, so why bother.  I can do this for today....  (here's a not so subtle hint as to where my sisters-in-law would like me to end up! I love you guys!)

Whine #1....Why Me???

I find myself sometimes buckling under the self-imposed whine of "Why Me?"  I imagine God replying back, "Because I said so." And there you have it, the answer no one really wants to hear.  (Why does it sound so good when we say those same words to our kids, but it sounds like nails on a chalkboard when we have to hear it echoed back to ourselves?)

We already know that life is not fair, it was never really meant to be.  There's only so much a person can take before they feel like they just can't take it anymore.  I'm almost at that point and I have to tell you that through all the downs in my life I haven't made it to the point where I couldn't handle one more thing.  I'm not superwoman, I don't have an inside track to the Man Upstairs and I'm not particularly lucky.  I think we are all A LOT STRONGER THAN WE THINK!!!!  So the next time you want to hide your head in the sand and say "Why me?" maybe you should ask "Why NOT me" because trust me, you can weather any storm that comes your way.  Live the life you are capable of living, lean on your family and friends when it gets too tough. I believe in you!

Sometimes life isn't fair....

My son lost out on an excellent job opportunity yesterday.  He was up against some tough competition, but I could tell he really wanted this job.  Ok, so he is only 9 years old and the job interview was a mock situation in his mini-society experiment at school, but he was devastated nonetheless.  I felt so bad for him.  I wanted to call his teacher and ask her why she would pass up this perfect child for a teacher’s aide position.  But I didn’t.  That would have been the worst thing I could have done.  As much as I want to wrap this child up in bubble wrap and protect him from the not-so-good things in this life I would be doing him a grave disservice. 

I wish I could explain to him how we often have to go through bad things to get to the good things, because to be honest with you, I’m 40 years old and I STILL don’t understand why.  When you are right smack in the middle of disappointment or failure it hurts and no looking forward to the “good things” is going to make it feel better right then.  All I can do is teach him to handle himself with grace and dignity.  I need to try and teach him to turn the other cheek when someone is mean and try to get him to understand the place of hurt the other person is lashing out from. 

I know you will all agree that it is tough being a parent…I’m just glad I didn’t have to interview for this job.  Knowing what I know now I would have been devastated if I didn't get this job too!